I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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