I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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