Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
