i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
