I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
