I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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