I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
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