I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
