I wish my penis had an off switch
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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