I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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