just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
