How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Small penises have feelings too.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
