I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
