What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
