I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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