Can i not drive my cunt home
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
