We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
