you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
