I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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