she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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