i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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