Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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