mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i think i have two assholes
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
