I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
