Apparently you make a good broom.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
