I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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