I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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