this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
