Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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