Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
