ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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