I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
