I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
