ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
