I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize