i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
