I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
