i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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