just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
