Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
