I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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