allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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