Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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