Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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