once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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