can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
