We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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