She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
