the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You ruined the universe
Randomize
