I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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