is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
