If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
