I can text with my tongue
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
