the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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