I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I checked into jail on foursquare
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you had me at cake vodka
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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