I CAN MOONWALK!
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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