She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
