Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
